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Ten types of professors you’ll have in college

by Luke Alexander

With the new school year on the horizon, IGNITE is here to prepare you for the slew of highly intelligent, but notably quirky professors that you’re bound to have.

1. The Old One Who’s The Least Bit Tech-Savvy

Parks and Recreation character Ron Swanson throws computer into dumpster

It’s a dreaded moment when the professor’s laptop flips open and you hear the words: “Huh, now what’s happened here?” They’re clicking ‘no’ on that pop-up when they should be clicking ‘yes’. They’ve tried to play the wrong file format. Then the classroom descends into an awful spiral of awkward silence as the professor’s curses are drowned out by the sounds of pop-up ads offering quick ways to make cash.

2. The One Who Wants To Be A Comedian

The Office TV show spans across different characters in a meeting

They’ve got their shoes off and their feet up. It’s everybody’s favourite professor, at least until midterms roll around. With their slick comebacks and sweet puns, they’ve won over everybody’s hearts with their cheesy one-liners.

3. The Munchkin

Friends TV show character Joey is dressed in colorful maternity stretch pants

It’s your first day in class and you’re wondering where the professor is. He’s ten minutes late and now some young fellow is rambling away at the start of the class. That’s when you realize that this guy, who dresses a little too much like Justin Bieber, is your professor.

4. Grandfather Time

Parks and Recreation character Andy sinks in couch from boredom

It’s nearing the end of class and you look up from drowsily staring into the distance to wonder if your professor had less grey hair when they started lecturing than they do now. If there was a program called Bachelor of Watching Paint Dry, they’d be the coordinator of it.

5. The One Who Tells You Your Career Hopes Are Doomed

Lord of the Rings character Gollum screams hiding behind a tree

They’re not saying that employers aren’t hiring in your field, they’re just suggesting that you need to be a walking swiss-army knife of skills in order to be employable. Oh, and there are jobs, but you may have to purchase a one-way ticket to rural Malaysia, where business is booming.

6. The Hero Of His Own Story

Leonardo Dicaprio clip from Great Gatsby movie raising an oscar statue

They begin the lecture by saying, “I was 21, and I had just entered the industry…” By the time they end it, your ‘lecture notes’ are actually a dictation of his autobiography.

7. The One Who’s More Eager To Leave Than You Are

President Obama kicks door open to exit after a speech

They glance at the clock every ten minutes, counting down the seconds until they get to bolt out of the room. They’ve got a cup of coffee in one hand and an eye on the door as they talk at the speed of light before ending class and darting out. Try to talk to him outside of class, and he’ll hiss and flee.

8. The Eye-Candy

Jeremy Renner acts dreamy and flirtatious with face cupped in his hands

Who knew that lifting a laser pointer required so much flexing?

9. The One Who Stares Into Your Soul

Driver wearing sunglasses at night wearing red bandana

All they need is a cigarette and a bottle of whiskey, and a battalion of tanks to command. They’ve never specifically mentioned it, but just by the sound and look of them, you’re positive that they’ve fought in ‘Nam.

10. The One Who Changes Your Whole Outlook On Life

Man with a long ponytail sitting in class gestures his mind blown

Pack your bag and get ready to backpack through the Himalayas, because you’re going to need a little time off to contemplate the universe after this professor is finished blowing your mind.